The Delicious Taste of Semen Versus Those Naughty, Naughty Calories.

As a model and part-time mum I have to watch my figure.

That's why, when another bolt of off-white mouthwash is hitting the back of my throat, I have to keep an eye on just how much I'm consuming.

It's 15 calories a go, so if I reach 20 or more, I could be in danger of piling on the pounds.

My tip for anyone who finds themselves in the same situation is, save the pipe of meths until after, then make sure you have so much (on top of the usual crack, dope, skag and charlie) that you inevitably puke yourself inside-out.

Voila! A hefty technicolour yawn of stringy man-paste that you can use as a handy lubricant!

Had A Fairly Quiet Night Yesterday.

I can't remember their names but at least three of them only fucked me twice.

My ladyhole was still hungry, so I greased up a side of beef, wrapped that in a carpet and sealed it all up with a few rolls of sandpaper.

Then got three more of them and stuck them together with duct tape.

Wrapped that around with some aluminium siding.

Covered that in cement.

Then shuttled the whole lot in and out with a trepanner.

Mmmmmm...

to lube or not to lube

often when i've got three or four fellas nuts-deep in my kipper I think, 'I can almost feel some friction.'

And that's when a young girl's thoughts can turn to lube.

In theory, nature can provide but if, like me, you're at the thick end of half a pound of crack, things tend to get a little crispy down below.

So reach for the nearest source of moisture.

For me, that's almost always another juicy wanger.

Simply add it to to whatever's already inside and wait until if proffers its creamy tribute. The resulting explosion can give you the sluicing you require.

Happy fucking!

Last night a poo fell out of my bum

I think.

Well, I woke up with a poo next to me on the bed.

So either I was doing another scat show.

Or it fell out of my bum.

The only way I can find out is if I watch the video back.

bum-bum or tinkie-winkie?

When I'm strung out on self-raising flour and getting a nice serving of man-sword I often try to work out which one of my two lower holes is getting filled.

(Often it's both, but that's kind of like a trick question).

Usually I just pass out before I can think of the answer, but the other day I realised that I could use this handy rhyme to be sure:

If I can get two dongs in
They're using my bum as a hole of sin.
If I can get three or more
They're making the most of my front door.

Hope that helps anyone else out there.